The How To's of Prayer Ministry
7.10.4 Resolving Conflict
> The Attitude of Resolve
> The Intent of Resolve
> The Resolution of Resolve
Those unwilling to meet these scriptural perimeters have no intent or interest to resolve anything, only to prove a point or to bring hurt or embarrassment to the reputation of the other party. All matters must be done privately with the resolution to re-establish restoration, reconciliation and forgiveness, never retribution!
4. Another individual meeting the scriptural qualifications may mediate when the problem seems to be unsolvable or out of hand, or has a direct effect on the corporate church body. Never bring disagreements into the open forum causing embarrassment to an individual and a reproach to Church of Jesus Christ. Jesus said, offences will surely come, but never be the point of offense. Those who do otherwise are scripturally without excuse. Scripture further states, that those who stir continuous contention and strife are to be [marked/recognized as those who cause problems].
Rule #1 Enter into confrontation with the attitude that you may be wrong. Argument is not to settle who is right or wrong, but rather to resolve the problem, to serve the betterment of all concerned. Focus on the problem, not on the individual.
Rule #2 Enter into confrontation with the attitude that there may be a better way. It may not be your way. Romans 12:10
Rule #3 When possible, enter into each session in a spirit of humility. When tempers are emotionally charged this may be your greatest challenge. So pray together seeking for Gods wisdom, understanding and guidance. Dont use the prayer time to preach to the other. We can often use prayer as a tool to raise our defense or manipulate our offense. (Jesus hated this, He called it praying in pretense) Mark 12:40. Search the scriptures together, search out understanding. Proverbs 4:7
Rule #4 Enter into confrontation with the attitude that the feelings
and emotions of the other party (ies) are as important as your own. There
may be a good reason for the reactions and actions of the others, why
one responds in a peculiar manner. Know that men and women find solutions
Footnote: When one is confused about their personal emotions and they are brought into the discussion, the most-likely possibility is that other parties will not understand them either. It is best to consult a doctor. Emotional changes may be caused by chemical deficiencies or hormonal imbalance, injury, or other. These are emotions that display themselves without any apparent cause.
Rule #5 Never bring unrelated issues into an argument. Spell out the
real problem and feelings. Hit your target!!! and always define your terms
making yourself plainly understood. Dont try to hurry those speaking
or intimidate them that they are babbling. What one considers babbling
is usually ones inability to describe emotions. Take some time and write
down what you are feeling. If you take notes and the conversation has
been truly confusing, read them over and ask for further clarity.
Rule #6 When possible talk out a serious problem immediately, at the
time of offence. When emotions are charged, wait a short while, then schedule
a time to address the issues. When sufficient time is not available, schedule
quality time to talk it out.
Rule #7 Never resort to name calling. Do not manipulate or inflict hurtful
words. Dont waist your time thinking out a defense that will win
over the other to believe you are right. This accomplishes nothing. And
only proves you have a problem with control. No cursing. (Remember a person
convinced against their will is of the same opinion still). (Manipulation,
guilt trips and name games never settle anything and only further widen
the hurt and possibility for solution.)
Rule #8 Do not call to remembrance past, already resolved issues to impute quilt, especially when it has absolutely nothing to do with the problem. (as to collect points or establish blame. (No blame is the name of the game) No one is taking a tally. When possible, every disagreement should be treated as though it is the first time.
Rule #9 Never generalize in your description of a problem. One may do this in an attempt to remove the severity of unneeded hurt when addressing another regarding an offence. Carefully choosing your words are good, generalizing is not. Unfortunately, the problem may not be clear to ones understanding. Remember women often add to the issue with other suspected intentions and emotional possibilities. Remember, the solution will only be found in the specific offending situation. Generalizing only leads to more questions, and often led to further misunderstanding and roads that go nowhere. If you are hiding the real issue, dont blame the other if the problem is still unresolved! Dont think every similar situation will be tailored with the same ready solution. Remember, people often react out of their gifting, or motivation. We may forget that the Father has chosen to create each of us differently. We may interpret the actions of others as illogical or dishonest, when in fact the problem may lie in the way the individual rationalizes. Some tend to act with their heart or emotions rather than with logical reasoning. Each of us is created so very differently. Each personality and character is unique. Dealing with a problem is simply finding a way for all parties to work well together. Record these solutions for future reference.
Rule #11 Here is your opportunity to be creative. Write down notes. What do you understand the solution to mean? Talk about it. (Remember talk is cheap, so empower and take action with your solution.) You will find, deep respect from those around you, even those who have been indifferent to you, when you are found to be a person of integrity. An individual who performs your word and what more, you will feel good about yourself.
Rule #12 Sometimes admitting to blame and asking forgiveness will bring healing into a relationship. There are times we have all done things we know were hurtful and wrong. We all have things hidden in our closets. So isnt the relationship worth an honest, Im sorry.
Rule #13 When the confrontation is ended. It is ended. Leave it behind. A word of affection, affirmation or blessing will help heal, make relationships stronger and prevent the adversary from building the anger into unresolved hurt or bitterness. Both parties should say, Im sorry. Quite often you will find that you have won over a lasting friend. It is truly unfortunate that we take our relationships for granted. People find it amazing when an individual is willing to go the extra mile to assure a good and lasting relationship. Matthew 5:41
Rule #14 When a settlement seems impossible to attain, seek out a trusted and impartial professional counselor (a pastor or Christian counselor) in whom you both trust. Dont leave important issues to amateurs. It might cost you a great friendship or worse a terrific spouse. Dont jump from one counselor to another to find out whose advise you want to take. In this you have already admitted you will never submit to change. Unless the counselor is in obvious opposition to the word of God. When possible, chose a man and wife team together when dealing with a severe marriage or gender issues. Many times a man will understand a man and a woman a woman and they are trained to interpret and articulate emotions and abstract feelings that are hard to explain. It is important that they are talked out as to find a lasting solution. \